


Before 5SOS

by Rawrlove19



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Family Issues, Friendship, Gen, Isolation, Self Harm, Trust Issues, ashton centric, before 5sos, hurt ashton, sad ash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2018-11-20 18:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11340936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrlove19/pseuds/Rawrlove19
Summary: Everyone knows that Ashton Irwin used to cut and that he stopped for his fans. What we don't know is how did his band mates find out? How did they react? Maybe everything wasn't as cut and dry as it seemed.





	1. Chapter 1

Calum's POV

"You didn't, Michael. Please tell me you didn't!" I heard Luke groan as I walked in late to band practice. I quirked an eyebrow up at my two band mates. Luke had a look of utter terror plastered to his face while Michael had his signature smirk glued to his. Michael hadn't necessarily bullied Luke in a while, but who knows. He's pretty moody at times.

"Michael didn't what?" I asked casually, causing the pair to jump in surprise. They hadn't noticed me sneak in and like usual my sneakiness scared them.

"I booked us a gig." Michael admitted after a moment, causing my eyes to widen in shock. We had always been a small band that stuck with making covers on YouTube. Playing an actual gig would take things to a whole new level.

"That's awesome Michael!" I shrieked in excitement.

"Are you two stupid?" Luke asked stressfully. "We can't perform in front of all those people! We don't even have a drummer!" There was a moment of silence as Michael and I absorbed what Luke had said. He was right, we couldn't play a show without a drummer. A guitar could only do so much, after all.

"I'll find one." Michael assured Luke proudly.

"You're going to find a drummer?" Luke sued slowly. "In less than three days?"

"Yup."

"As if!" Luke scoffed, causing me to step between them before the fight could break out.

"Okay, lets all take a breath and think about this." I interjected. "Michael, I don't think anyone would agree to play a show to a few hundred people with only three days of practice, to be honest. Are you sure you can find someone?"

"Yeah, I think I might actually know just the guy for the job, too." 

"Really, where did you meet him? A shady alley, just crawling with desperate rock star wanna-be's." Luke scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"No, but close. I actually met him at a party."

"Calum, please kill me before Michael's stupidity puts me in a nut house!"

-

Ashton's POV

"Ashton, why is Mum sleeping like that again?" My 7 year old little brother asked me innocently while I was doing my homework. I froze on the spot. I knew the answer, but it was an answer I couldn't tell Harry. He didn't need to know the truth.

"She's just tired. Do me a favor?" I smiled at my little brother.

"What?"

"I want you to go get ready for bed, okay? I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in."

"Kay, Ashy!" Harry laughed as he ran off to get ready for bed. I let out a heavy sigh as soon as he was out of sight. I hated lying to him, but I couldn't let him know the truth. The truth that our Mother had been dumped by yet another worthless guy and had drowned her sorrows in alcohol once again. She was such a strong woman, and I had always looked up to her. However, this was the second time this month, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep lying to my siblings.

Lauren was 10 years old now, and she was only going to start noticing more and more. Before too long, she'd know the truth as well. It was only a matter of time.

I went out to the living room, knowing that I'd find my Mum passed out on the couch from too much alcohol. 

"Mum, wake up." I said gently, slowly shaking her awake. 

"Wha-what is it, Ashton?" She slurred, as she looked at me hazily.

"Harry, saw you. You need to go sleep in your room before he asks more questions." I informed her, hoping for the best.

"Mhmm." She mumbled, standing and shuffling to her room. I let out a sigh of relief. Tonight was one night I absolutely did not want to argue with her. 

Since that was taken care of, I went to make sure Harry was ready for bed. I walked into his room to find him watching his tv instead of trying to go to sleep like he was supposed to.

"Harry, I swear." I sighed. He shot me a cheeky grin in return.

"I know, but you haven't tucked me in yet." He said, smiling innocently at me. I had to smile at his antics. I shut off his tv and kissed him on the forehead.

"Go to sleep, bud." I whispered to him.

I collapsed on my bed exhausted. I loved my family, but sometimes it just seemed like it was too much. I was only 17 yet I had to take care of my siblings and my drunk mother on occasion. I wasn't mad at her for getting drunk. She worked hard to make sure we all lived a good life. Sometimes, I just wished she wouldn't do it on front of Harry and Lauren. I wanted them to keep their innocence for as long as possible.

Bzzz.

I blinked my eyes open as I felt my phone vibrate. I didn't have any real friends, so it was safe to say that I never really got any messages. I unlocked my phone and quickly scanned over the screen.

Michael Clifford: 'Hey Ashton. We met at a party a couple months ago, right? You mentioned you played the drums? Well, my band is kind of in need of a drummer to play a gig to a couple hundred people in like three days. It would be awesome if you could help us out! Let me know, okay?'

A gig, huh? 

I laughed to myself. I had tried the whole band thing, but it had never worked out. It was stupid to even consider it. 

Yet, I knew that something needed to change. I don't know how much longer I could keep this up. Who knows, maybe I should reply.


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you sure he said he was coming?!" Luke stressfully asked a Michael for the ninth time in the half hour they had spent waiting for their prospective new drummer to show up. It was just going to be the two of them meeting Ashton since Calum was visiting his grandmother.

"For the millionth time, Luke, yes!" Michael groaned in response. He had had just about enough of Luke's impatience. Ashton had texted him and let him know he'd be a little late, and now Luke was acting like it was the end of the world.

"That's it!" Luke was done with waiting. "I'm done! I'm leaving." Luke opened the door only to find a boy pushing his bike up the driveway towards them.

"Is that him?" Luke asked. He felt like he had seen this guy around before, he just couldn't put his finger on where.

"Umm, I think so. I wasn't exactly sober when I met him." Michael laughed, rubbing the back of his head nervously. Luke's lips formed a thin line as he thought on this newfound information.

"You tried to get a guy you don't remember to be our drummer? Have you lost your mind? I mean look at his outfit!" Luke's hands started to gesture wildly at the boy in question who was wearing an ugly purple shirt and weird shorts. What Luke didn't realize was that Ashton was now standing behind him and could hear every word he said.

"Should I just go?" Ashton asked, surprising Luke. Michael had to fight to hold back his laughter as Luke started to awkwardly mumble out apologies to the older boy. Ashton rolled his eyes, already regretting his decision to join this band.

"So, Ashton!" Michael took over. "Come on in and we can play FIFA."

"I'm here to play the drums, not a stupid game of FIFA." Ashton scoffed. "You do have a drum kit right. I didn't bring mine since you said you had one."

"Well funny story, we have one of these!" Michael gestured to a single acoustic drum. "You know what? Drums aren't that important. FIFA is waiting!"

"No thanks. I don't like FIFA." Ashton sighed. 

"What who doesn't like FIFA?" Luke gasped, amazed. 

"So should I go or do you actually want to see what I can do?" Ashton asked, slightly annoyed.

"Umm okay. Why don't you show us what you can do?" Michael gestured to the drum. 

"With pleasure." 

As Ashton went to sit on the drum, Michael and Luke were having major doubts. They weren't a very serious band. They were just a couple of friends goofing off, to be honest. If someone didn't love FIFA of all things, could they really be a part of the band?

All of their doubts seemed to diminish as soon as Ashton started to play. Ashton could definitely play the drums. That was for sure. Both boys were extremely impressed by his skill level, so they couldn't say no to him joining the band.

A band of three then became four.

///

Ashton was annoyed. He still didn't know why he had even decided to join that stupid band. All they did was goof off. He was better than that. So much better than that. And what kind of band practice was playing FIFA? Ashton wished that game would have never been invented.

"And where have you been?" His mother asked accusingly as he walked tough the door.

"I told you that I was joining a band today." Anne Marie Irwin rolled her eyes at her son in response.

"Ashton, drumming is a good hobby, but you need to go to a good college and get a good job. Let's face it. Drumming is going to get you nowhere.!" She reprimanded. If it had been any other day, Ashton would have just gone to his room and ignored his mother.

"What about you?" He shot back. "Where's drinking going to get you? You already have one child you let down. Don't do the same for the other two!"

The words were out there and they couldn't be taken back now. Anne Marie flinched back in shock at her son's harsh words. She had half a mind to ground him, but she knew that doing so wouldn't do any good considering she had been trying to get him out of the house for the last year. Instead, she did the worst thing she could have done.

"Ashton Fletcher Irwin, I will not have this kind of behavior in my house. If you want to act like your father than you can just get out and rot in jail just like he is!" She yelled, not realizing what she was saying.

"Mum..." Both turned to see Harry and Lauren standing in the doorway with wide-eyes. Ashton Felt like he had been punched. He may not remember the man, but he had heard stories. Saying he was like his father was the worst possible thing his mother could have said. Anne Marie seemed to calm down and take in what she had said at the sight of her other two children.

"Ashton, I didn't mean that." She spoke softly, reaching out to wrap her son up in a small hug. Ashton, however, wouldn't have it. He flinched away from his mother's touch. Her words had already cut him deeply. He was already broken, and hearing those words had shattered him.

"I'm...I'm just going to go to my room now..." Ashton whispered as he stared down at the floor in an attempt to keep his feelings at bay.

"Ashton, please, don't be dramatic." Anne Marie sighed, rolling her eyes at her son. "You know I love you."

Regardless of what his mother said, Ashton didn't believe her. If she loved him then she wouldn't have said that. She knew how much he hated his father for abandoning them, so she couldn't possibly love him if she was able to say something like that.

He really couldn't blame her, though.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ashton, this is Calum. He sings in our band." Luke said nervously as he introduced the two.

"Hi mate!" Calm greeted cheerily. Ashton scratched at his wrist nervously, but managed to shoot the boy a small smile in return.

"Hey." He mumbled.

"Oh, so you're not grumpy all of the time?" Michael commented without thinking. Luke immediately slapped a hand against his face.

"Yeah, sorry about the other day. I have to take care of my seven year old brother a lot, and that day he was extra annoying." Ashton lied. While it was true, that was not the reason he was grumpy.

"No worries." Luke finally shot a real smile at Ashton. Finally. Ashton internally sighed. It was the same everywhere he went. People didn't like him naturally. He was too different. Too Ashton.

"So, can you play Green Day, Mister Drummer Dude." Calm asked. 

"I can play American Idiot a little, but it's not my best work." Ashton laughed nervously, running the back of his head.

"It's okay." Michael laughed. "We like to have fun with our music so just be you."

Okay, maybe they weren't like everyone else. Ashton still didn't trust them, though. 

///

"That's you're worst song!" Luke gushed like the little fanboy he truly was. "Ashton that was amazing!"

"Thanks." Ashton spoke quietly, not used to the praise he was receiving. He readjusted the countless bracelets on his wrists, capturing the attention of Calum. 

"Dude, that's a lot of bracelets." Calum noted.  Ashton shifted his gaze to him and quickly and up with a response. 

"Yeah, I like bracelets a lot." He lied, gaining odd stares from the other three boys in the room. 

"Well, I think that's pretty cool." Michael broke the silence. "I'm going to start wearing that many too. The Start of a new fashion trend..."

"Michael's a rebel if you haven't noticed yet." Luke drawled, earning another smile from Ashton. "We need to practice a lot, so are you good to spend the night?" 

"Sure, Sounds good to me." Ashton replied. 

"Don't you need to let your parents know?" Calum asked. 

"Not really. I'm not really talking to my Mum right now."

"Oh, well what about your Dad?"

"What about him?" Ashton scoffed. "Walked out when I was three."

Luke immediately hit Calum in the chest for that question. 

"So, do you guys have a set for this gig?"

"Umm, set?" Michael was lost. 

"Okay, let's start like this." Ashton immediately took control. "What songs do you guys know ? Write down a list of them and I'll tell you what I can play."

"Okay, give me some time and I will." Michael nodded. "Do you happen to know the song, 'Teenage Dirtbag'?"

"It just so happens I do."

"So, Ashton?" Luke drew attention to himself. "How old are you?"

"Oh, I'm 17. You're what 13?" Ashton teased, much to Michael and Calum's amusement.

"What!? I'm 15!" Luke pouted.

"I know. We met at the movies once. You were getting picked on for your fluoro-green glasses." Ashton admitted matter-o-factly.

"You were that guy that told them to leave me alone!" Luke gasped, staring at Ashton in awe.

///

After playing through a few more songs, Luke received a text demanding for him to get home.

"Yep." Michael randomly said after Luke left. "Imma go sleep in my room. You two have the granny flat."

Calum looked at Ashton expectantly. 

"You're sleeping on the floor Dude." Ashton left no room for arguments. 

///

When Ashton returned home later the next morning, Anne Marie was pacing back and forth furious at her son for not coming home. 

"And where do you think you've been!" She yelled at him as he walked through the door. Ashton rolled his eyes at her. She picked the perfect day to start caring about if he was actually home or not. 

"I stayed at a friend's house. It's not a big deal, Mum." Ashton sighed as he walked into the kitchen to get a bottle of water out of the fridge. 

"Not a big deal? Ashton, what if something would have happened to you?!" She argued. 

"I'm 17 Mum. Realize that." Ashton scoffed before walking away from her. He just didn't understand. Why had she suddenly gotten so strict? She never cared where he was before, so why now?

Ashton sighed. No matter how hard he tried, nothing he did seemed to matter. He was always messing something up or making someone mad at him. Maybe he was like his father after all.


	4. Chapter 4

The day had finally arrived. After literally a day of practice 5 Seconds of Summer would be performing their first gig. Not only would it be their first, but it would also be in front of a couple hundred people. Or at least that's what they all thought. 

Michael was excited. It was about time someone recognized his talent. Luke was nervous, but excited none the less. His dreams were starting to come true. Calum was just going with the flow. He wasn't sure if this was what he wanted to do with his life when the band started, but now it seemed like he had made the right decision.

Ashton, however, was a nervous wreck. Sure, he had played plenty of gigs before this with 'Swallow the Goldfish', but this was in front of a lot more people. Plus, all of his previous gigs were in front of his family, so no one really paid any attention to his drumming. There were so many thoughts running through his head. What if he wasn't good enough? What if no one liked his drumming? What if he completely let down his new band?

He couldn't let that happen, so Ashton did what he did best. He plastered on a fake smile and tried to make it through the day. He decided it would be best to just altogether skip school. No one really cared if he graduated anyways. Plus, he just needed to make it to the end of the year, then he'd have his diploma and could do whatever he wanted.

He just wanted to waste the day away, so he wouldn't have to deal with whatever the night brought him. Calum, however, had different plans.

"Hey, Ash! I was thinking you could come pick us up and we could hang out and band before the show tonight!" Calum suggested, after calling Ashton. Ashton let out an irritated sigh. Hanging out with the three idiots he just met was the last thing he wanted to do today.

"Band?" Ashton asked, confused by Calum's wording.

"Yeah, you know, hang out and bond as a band. Banding."

"I guess I could." Ashton laughed. "You know what? You're one weird dude, Calum."

"I try."

///

"Why do you wear so many bracelets?" Calum asked later on after Ashton had picked everyone up. They were currently in Ashton's room since his house was the only place they could safely skip school at. Ashton flinched at Calum's question, gaining the attention of Michael and Luke.

"Oh you know, I just think they're really cool. Make me feel like a rock star." Ashton used the first excuse that came to his head.

"You know what? You're right!" Michael happily agreed. "I think I'm going to start doing that, and too!"

"So am I!" Luke exclaimed, not wanting to feel left out. Ashton smiled brightly at the two boys, but on the inside he was screaming. Calum had just asked him a question that no one could find out the truth about. The dark secret that needed to remain the way it was.

"I'll loan you some." Ashton laughed, opening a drawer on his nightstand to reveal tons of band bracelets. "Maybe they'll help us play an awesome show!" He laughed, as Michael and Luke began to raid his drawer to find the bracelets they wanted to wear to their gig that night.

"Calum?" Luke questioned, confused on why his friend wasn't taking bracelets to wear that night.

"I'm good. I don't really like wearing bracelets that much." He admitted, eyeing Ashton suspiciously. He didn't understand. Who needed to wear that many bracelets all of the time? Something didn't add up, and he was determined to find out what that was. 

//

The gig went as good as it could have with only 12 people as an audience. Ashton had to laugh at himself for practically having a panic attack over it. He had even waited for his Mum to show up but she never did. That left him feeling slightly disappointed. 

"So Ash? You wanna stay in the band permanently?" Michael had asked him afterwards. 

"Sure." He had responded without thinking. Luke cheered happily that they finally had a permanent drummer, but Calum could only scowl. 

"So, were you going to ask Luke and I if we wanted him in the band or do you just make all of the group decisions now?" Calum snarled, taking all three boys by surprise. 

"What? Calum, no. I thought we all liked him." Michael defended himself. 

"I'm sorry." Ashton apologized. "It was fun, but I think it's better if we went our separate ways. I don't want you guys to fight because of me."

"Ashton, don't." Luke sighed. "We'll have a talk with Calum. Swing by tomorrow?"

"I guess I could." Ashton faked a smile to Luke before leaving. Michael and Luke immediately rounded on Calum. It wasn't normal for him to be that rude to anyone, especially someone he had only just met and claimed to have liked.

"What was that about, Calum?" Michael demanded, Luke nodding furiously in agreement.

"I don't trust him." Calum admitted. "He's hiding something, that's for sure."

"Well, of course he is!" This surprisingly came from Luke. "We just met the guy. Is he supposed to tell us all his darkest secrets just like that?"

"No." Calum frowned. "I'm sorry guys, I don't know what came over me."

"Just try to be nice to him next time, ok?"

///

Ashton but his lip as he tried to make it home without having a complete breakdown. He thought that they were different. He thought that they wouldn't judge him or automatically hate him for being himself. He was wrong. Maybe it was actually him that was the big problem. 

"Ashton? Baby, what's wrong?" His mother called after him as he stormed into his house. He ignored her. She didn't really care. He was basicallyher free babysitter, so she had to put up a false front for him. Ashton let out a sigh as he locked his bedroom door behind him so no one could stop him from doing what he needed to.

He ran into his bathroom and opened the cabinet. Hidden inside was a razor blade. His darkest secret.

When Calum had asked him about all of the bracelets he had been onto something. Pulling them all off, one by one, he revealed what that secret was.

His own scarred wrists.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating! I didn't have internet. This one is short but I just wanted to give you guys something.

Ashton woke up with a tear-stained face and throbbing wrists. He hated that he was pathetic enough to do this to himself, but that's what happens when you're trapped in a dark abyss you can't get out of. The abyss he's been trapped in pretty much his whole life.

It wasn't easy. Sure he couldn't even remember his dad, but that didn't mean he wasn't a reminder of him for his mother. She absolutely hated his father, hated him. She might not say anything to him about it, but he knew the truth. He was just a constant reminder of a man she wasted years of her life on. She may have pretended to love him, but it was nothing more than lies.

He was a mistake. He knew that. She knew that. His ex-girlfriend definitely knew that, considering the amount of times she cheated on him. His entire school knew it.

He hated school. He was just so different. Everyone else hated him for it, too. He didn't care about school. He was more interested in music and art. He couldn't help it, though. 

He thought he had finally found some people that understood him and accepted him for who he was without wanting him to change, but he was horribly wrong. Calum, Luke, and Michael were just like everyone else. They didn't appreciate his talent, instead they chose to ignore it and focus on all of his flaws. 

Everyone hated him and he really couldn't blame them. 

///

"Ashton, you're friends are here!" Anne-Marie called out, knocking on his door. Ashton immediately bolted up. Friends? He didn't have friends. Who could she be talking about? 

Ashton hurriedly got dressed in case it was any of his bullies from school. The last thing he needed was to give them any more ammunition to harass him with. 

He practically ran down the steps, only slowing down when he rounded the corner leading to their front door. He was surprised to see Calum, Luke, and Michael. 

"I'm going to run to work now, baby. Make sure Harry and Lauren behave themselves." Anne-Marie announced, leaning forward to give him a kiss on the cheek. When she pulled back, Ashton noticed that his band mates were trying hard to suppress their teasing smirks. She was out the door in seconds, though, so he didn't have to wait long before he could try to make them leave. 

"I'm sorry guys, but I just don't think that I'm really cut out for your band." Ashton apologized.

"Look Ash," Luke sighed, "We figured that when you didn't show up, that meant that you were still upset with Calum. He didn’t mean what he said, we promise!”

“I don’t know...”

“Ashton, I’m sorry for what I said. Don’t let me stop you from joining the band. You’re an awesome drummer, and that’s what we need.” Calum begged.

“Okay...” I gave in, causing the three dorks in front of me to start cheering. “Be quiet my brother and sister are still sleeping and I don’t want them awake until breakfast is ready.”

“You can drum and you can cook?!” Michael gasped with fake shock. “What can’t you do?”

“If you want breakfast just ask.” I sighed, a migraine starting to form since it was far too early to deal with this shenanigans. 

“Yes, please!” The three standing in front of me started to chorus. 

“Ashton?” A sleepy voice from the hallway caught my attention. I turned to see my little sister standing in her pajamas, rubbing her eyes sleepily. “What’s going on?”

“Well, I joined a band and these are my band mates, Calum, Michael, and Luke. Guys, this is my little sister Lauren.” I introduced them, slightly annoyed that they had woken her up, but relieved it wasn’t Harry instead.

“So, breakfast?” Michael asked, causing me to shoot a glare at him. 

“These three get some, but I don’t know about you, Michael.” I smirked, watching his face fall. 

Maybe I was a mistake, but for now things were looking up and that was a huge start.


	6. Chapter 6

Chris was glaring at Ashton again. He always glared at him. Ashton didn't know why he hated him, he just knew that he did. Ashton had barely even said 2 sentences to him, but for some reason that made him a target. He didn't understand, and he honestly didn't even know if he wanted to.

What Ashton really wanted to do was to hurry up and leave the horrible school where he didn't have a single friend in sight. It wasn't as if he was exactly friends with Luke, Michael, and Calum, but at least they were semi-nice to him and had some of the same interests.

He still didn't trust them though.

Especially after Calum said all of those things to him.

Ashton knew it was a mistake for him to even ever try to be happy. He was worthless and a total waste of space. That much was clear. Why else would everyone hate him?

Ashton decided it would be as good as a day as any to ditch school and practice drumming for a little bit. He stood up and went to throw my food in the trash. He wasn't that hungry anyways.

"Aww, is little Ashy-poo anorexic now too?!" Chris's voice came from behind him, startling him.

"Leave me alone, Chris." Ashton muttered, knowing it wouldn't do him any good.

"Ohh, I'm so scared!" He mocked. "What are you going to do about it, Irwin? Make me listen to your tone-death singing?"

"Whatever." Ashton huffed, leaving Chris smirking behind me. This was an everyday thing for him. No matter how hard he tried, people ended up hating him for being himself. It didn't help that his ex had even cheated on him with Chris.

It was a little too easy for Ashton to sneak out of school. Not even the teachers cared if he was there or not. To every one around him he was just a waste of space. But Ashton was okay with that. He didn't need anyone else as long as He had my razor and no one found out.

-

"Ashton, you came!" Luke exclaimed when he showed up at his front door later that same day.

"You invited me, remember?" Ashton asked, blinking in confusion.

"Yeah, I did." Luke laughed goofily. "I wasn't sure if you would come or not, though."

"Why wouldn't I?" Luke shrugged at Ashton's question and rushed me inside.

"Guys, look who's here!" He yelled excitedly to Michael and Calum.

"Sorry," Michael shot Ashton an apologetic look. "He gets excited easily."

Ashton smiled back at him and walked over to the drum kit they had set up in the corner. It was shiny and red and he absolutely loved it. He sat down and pulled out some drumsticks that he kept with him constantly and started to drum a beat. The only problem was that whenever he got really into his drumming it showed on his face. The other three boys quickly took notice of this. Luke and Michael were smart enough to not say anything to him. Calum, on the other hand, was not so smart.

"What are you doing with your face?" Calum asked with a laugh, stopping Ashton mid-drum.

"Oh, that?" Ashton said nervously. "Whenever I drum, I love to put my soul into it and it shows on my face. I've tried to stop it, but it just doesn't work that way."

"That's kind of cool." Calum mused, surprising Ashton. "At least we know how passionate you are about it."

"Yeah." Ashton agreed awkwardly. Luke quickly cleared his throat and tried to change the subject before either of them could offend the other.

"So Ash?" Luke interrupted, "I was just thinking that we all could just hang out sometime and get to know each other. If we have to play together then we might as well like each other, right?"

"That's a good idea, Luke." Michael said with a knowing smirk. "What did you have in mind?"

"Umm, you know stuff...and...things."

"So A.K.A. nothing." Calum filled in for Ashton, causing Ashton to laugh.

"That sounds like a great idea, Luke." Ashton agreed genuinely. "Just let me know what you figure out."

-

"What's that on your arm, Ash?" Calum asked curiously, causing Ashton to freeze up.

"Oh you know, my evil cat scratched me while I was trying to feed her yesterday." Ashton lied. Calum shook his head and dropped the subject, obviously believing Ashton's lie. Ashton let out a sigh of relief. The last thing he needed was someone finding out that he cut himself on a regular basis. He wasn't ready to stop yet. No, he couldn't stop. If Ashton didn't cut then he wouldn't survive, and he wasn't completely sure if he really wanted to die or not yet.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for not updating. I’ve been extremely depressed lately and I was in a car accident and I had writers block.

Ashton was slipping. That much was obvious. It was bad enough that Calum had seen his scarred wrist, but now he has cut his arms too much to cover with bracelets. He would have to wear longer sleeves for a while in order to cover his scarred arms.

To make matters worse the young drummer had woken up in a horrible mood. He hated when he woke up feeling this depressed. It made his life that much harder and his desire to live that much smaller. In fact, this morning Ashton couldn't even find the will to get out of bed. He just wanted to lie there and drown in his sorrow.

He wasn't good enough. That much was obvious to him. He was fat and stupid and depressed and his Mum stressed him out quite a bit. His sister was growing up too quickly and didn't need him as much as she used to. Then, his baby brother was growing up and turning into his own person. Ashton could totally see him as a future jock and knew that eventually Harry was going to be embarrassed to be related to him. Honestly, though, who wouldn't be embarrassed to be related to him. He was a screw-up and honestly he hated himself. Everyone would be so much better off without him so he didn't understand why he was still living.

Ashton laid in bed all morning instead of getting up and rushing his siblings to school. Eventually his mum came home from her night shift and was more than upset that all three of her children were still in bed.

"Ashton, you were supposed to get Harry and Lauren to school hours ago!" Anna Marie angrily confronted her oldest child. "Why are they still in bed?"

"Dunno." Ashton replied quietly, still not wanting to get out of bed.

"Why are you not even out of bed yet?" She asked genuinely confused.

"Dunno." Ashton replied with the same response, causing his Mum to grow angry.

"Ashton Fletcher Irwin! Get out of bed right now and stop being so selfish for once in your life!" Anna Marie screamed. Ashton remained silent as the tears slowly started to trickle out of his tired eyes. Anna Marie didn't notice though. "Ashton this is the last time I'm telling you! Get out of bed or you can get out of my house!"

"Always knew you didn't love me." Ashton said quietly in response.

"Ashton that's not true and you know it!"

"Might as well be!"

"That's it!" Anna Marie was seeing red. "Get out and don't you

Dare come back tonight unless it's to apologize for being so selfish!" She screamed, storming out.

Ashton laid there another minute before slowly getting up and getting dressed since he wasn't allowed in his own house that day. He had screwed that up just like he had screwed everything else in his life up.

///

"Hey Ash! Turn around!" Ashton heard a voice yell towards him as he was walking by the park. He turned around and saw none other than Luke Hemmings running after him.

"Hey." Ashton greeted the younger boy with a small smile.

"Whatcha doing?" Luke asked breathlessly, having ran to catch up with his new friend. 

"Oh...um..." Ashton was going to lie, but for some reason the look on Luke's face made him tell him the truth. "Mum told me to get out and not to come back tonight."

"What? No! You can't stay out here in the cold. I'm on my way to Michael's house. Come with me, okay?" Luke begged the older Australian.

"I guess it couldn't hurt." Ashton sighed not in the mood for any shenanigans.

///

The pair arrived at Michael's house after about 5 minutes of walking. Along the way Luke talked non-stop, causing Ashton to smile despite his foul mood.

"Thanks Luke." Ashton whispered quietly with a small smile. 

"Oh, your welcome....what for?" Luke chuckled in confusion. 

"Don't worry about it." Ashton laughed as well.

Luke shrugged and just opened the door to Michaels house without even knocking first. Ashton followed him inside, smiling to himself. These boys he just met may not be his friends, but they slowly were becoming friends. 

“Luke? Seriously start knocking!” Michael chastised his friend as Luke and Ashton walked into his bedroom. “You’re lucky my parents weren’t home.”

“Whatever your parents love me!” Luke scoffed, causing Ashton to laugh and Michael to roll his eyes. “Anyways Ash is upset. His mom kicked him out for the night. So he’s going to stay here with you.” 

“I am?” Ashton was confused and felt slightly like a nuisance to the other two boys. 

“Sure.” Michael nodded. “You’re going to have to play video games with me though.”

“I can’t do FIFA.” 

“Disgusting!” Michael shrieked in mock anger. “Fine no FIFA, but there’s other games to play besides that.”

“Okay, Dude, sounds fun.” Ashton smiled. 

“You should smile more...”Michael noted, causing Luke to elbow him in the stomach.

“Michael!” Luke snapped. 

“Why you little-“ Michael punched Luke in the arm in anger. 

“Do you two always fight like this?” Ashton laughed. Michael and Luke looked at each other and then back at Ashton. 

“Pretty much.” They answered at the same time. 

“We actually hated each other before we formed a band.” Michael added. 

“What? Really? But you guys act like brothers now.” Ashton was genuinely confused. “What changed?”

“Calum.” Luke answered in response. 

“Yeah.” Michael added. “Calum was my best friend, but one day he decided he was going to sneak around and hang out with the enemy behind my back. Of course Calum is horrible at keeping secrets so I decided to tag along and was surprised to find out Luke wasn’t nearly as bad as he seemed...just almost.”

“Yeah...hey!” Luke agreed before catching the last part of what Michael had said. 

“I honestly don’t think it’s possible for him to hate anyone.” Michael added. 

“What about me?” Ashton asked before he could stop himself. 

“What do you mean?” Luke asked dumbly. 

“I feel like Calum hates me. If I’m going to be part of this band then we really need to get along.” Ashton explained. 

“You put Calum on edge because he knows you have your secrets. Which is completely fine. You’re allowed to have your secrets. Calum just doesn’t understand why you would hide stuff because his life is literally an open book. Just give him time Ashton. You’re a great guy, and eventually Cal will come around and realize that too. Actually I think he might be starting to. Just be patient with him.”


End file.
